is it possible to hate so many people? i guess it is coz I sure am realising that i want to curse more and more people each day...this hate in my chest...it feels like its growing from a little germ that grew into a little parasitic worm slowly eating out my heart while i hate people...im afraid that someday, there would be nothing left...maybe then i wouldnt even feel hate anymore...i just wouldnt feel at all. 

sigh, maybe that is better than what i am feeling now....in a word, HORRIBLE...hating someone and then hating myself for hating someone, feeling guilty that I could hate so much.

urgh, i should just work instead of wallowing in this useless feat.  its midnight now and i still haven't done anything remotely useful to help me become a star at work.  okay, pick up your ass florisa! we are going to work!!!!

I hate...no matter how hard I try, I end up hating...right now, there's two of you...and I damn you both to hell....

It was hard seeing you around...because I am reminded of how I was before with you..pathetic, weak, nice, always giving way to what you want.  people would say that's only because I am a good person and that's good...but by golly, I am no saint! i, too, get tired...and this time, I see how selfish you truly are..you only love yourself...true I was also in the wrong, but that does not excuse how you have reacted...what a brat you are...and no longer am I going to tolerate it.  My life doesn't end when you're not there anyway, so who needs you?  not me for sure. i won't wish you a good life, and I won't say good riddance...i won't do anything...coz now, you are nothing to me..and you do not deserve my friendship.

When I was younger, I thought I'd look for someone like you...you were my idol...my top man...but then, you show your flaws...huge ones, mortal ones!  people say how unbelieveable you have become..how unbelievably callous, that is.  My image of you began to crumble...I try to salvage it but piece by piece, they fall and shatter even more.  I feel betrayed...I try to mask my anger and I succeed.  what an actor i've become.  but then I think if she has managed to accept it, then I can too.  It doesn't absolve you of anything you have done, no, not at all.  i will never condone it and I hate you right now, but I also have to let you know...I still love you and I remain hopeful.  If nothing changes or you get worse, well, you will get what you deserve sometime soon.

Man, I didn't know looking for a hairstyle for myself was a big ordeal.  I used to just go to the hairdresser and let them have their way with me (lolz) but since its too expensive to do that here in London, I thought I'd research first.  Found some good styles out there too (gazillions of them that I ended up spending more than 2 hours looking through the hairstyle galleries).  Here are my top 3:

The stylist said the 2nd one was the best for me but then since I had a rounder face then the model, it would look different. She suggested some things and I ended up with this:

It's pretty far than what I wanted originally but well, I like it..it's different.  I don't think it'll look like this after I wash it though. lolz, oh well, it's a good hair day today then.   Btw, it cost me £35...so was it worth it? A once a year haircut in London...not too bad, I think.  You tell me what you think!

Budapest, Hungary.  I don't anything about this place but I have googled good things about it...plus, its cheap to go there.  Though I have been dreaming of a beach holiday, I cannot seem to find anyone to go with me on a holiday so coming with a tour group seemed to be a better idea if I'll have to travel alone.  Sigh, if I can only find someone who loves to travel as much as myself.

So I booked the tour.  Its quite a good deal since it already includes the plane return ticket and hotel accommodation.  I'll have all the free time I like to go around too, unlike at the Contiki Europe tour I went with last May.  An all-inclusive trip for £219.  Not bad eh?  I'm still pretty scared about roaming around with no one (Kasumi, I will be brave and strong like you!!!) but pretty hopeful that I might make friends there who I can go with.  Well, actually, now that I thin about it, it might be a good idea that I'm on my own coz I don't have to wait around for anyone else!

Here's what Frommers recommend to see:

1. Inner City and Central Pest

Budapest, a city whose wide boulevards were designed a little over a century ago, is a city that can be walked, so start off in the center city, wander the grand boulevards, and admire the architecture.

Or take a more leisurely stroll around the area and visit a few museums and highlights of the area. You might duck into the Hungarian National Museum, the Budapest Holocaust Memorial Center, or the Inner City Parish Church. As you tour the area, you'll begin to understand the incredible changes that the city has seen in recent years. Many buildings have been completely restored and renovated. Old decrepit spaces have become complexes, and many more projects are being developed.

Head over to Váci utca, which is the main shopping and walking street of Budapest. This booming shopping area developed in Hungary over the past decade and a half since the systemic changes of 1989. You might try the Vali Folklór folk craft shop, the VAM Design Gallery, and various clothing and bookstores (avoid the touristy cafes here).

Walk from Déak tér to the Danube Promenade. Then make your way toward the Kossuth tér metro for:

2. Parliament

You can't miss Budapest's grand, ecclectic Parliament building, which hugs the Danube. Designed by Imre Steindl and completed in 1902, the building mixes neo-Gothic style with a neo-Renaissance dome. It has been from the outset one of Budapest's symbols, though until 1989 a democratically elected government had convened here exactly once (just after World War II, before the Communist takeover). Since 2000, in addition to its government functions, it has also been home to the fabled Hungarian crown jewels. Unfortunately, you can enter only on guided tours (the half-hour tour is worthwhile for the chance to go inside).

3. Parlament Kávéház

Per Hungarian tradition, sit down in a coffeehouse to read the newspaper, relax, ponder the past, and dream of the future! Situated adjacent to Hungary's parliament buildings, the Parlament Kávéház is decorated with an impressive rounded painting of the parliament buildings, and even a ceiling mural. V. Vértanúk tere 1. tel. 1/269-4352

Walk south about a 1/4 of a mile toward the historic Chain Bridge, which you will see in the distance:

4. Chain Bridge

The Chain Bridge crosses the Danube and empties out into Roosevelt Square. The bridge holds the distinction of being the first permanent crossing to link Buda and Pest. It was initiated at the behest of 19th-century Hungarian reformer Count István Széchenyi after bad weather in 1820 had forced him to wait 8 days before being able to get to his father's funeral. Designed by William Tierney Clark, an Englishman, the bridge was one of the largest suspension bridges of its time when it opened in 1849. According to legend the omission of sculpted tongues on the lions which guard the bridge at either end caused the sculptor to drown himself in the river out of shame. (Note: You might duck into the Four Seasons Hotel Gresham Palace while you're here to view its breathtaking interiors).

Walk across the Chain Bridge, and take the funicular up to the:

5. Castle District

Castle Hill, a UNESCO World Cultural Heritage site, consists of two parts: the Royal Palace itself and the so-called Castle District, a mostly reconstructed medieval city.

Otherwise, this is a great area for walking and wandering. You might stop into a few highlights, including the Hungarian National Gallery, the Budapest History Museum, and the Ludwig Museum of Contemporary Art.

6. Rivalda Café & Restaurant

After a long day walking and sightseeing, you might want to have a meal at the Rivalda Café & Restaurant. This restaurant, the brainchild of the Canadian-Hungarian Agnes Weininger, retains the charm of the world of theater that Hungarians love so much. Here, a sole saxophonist plays his lonely tunes, dwarfed by the château yellow backdrop at the far end of the restaurant. Theater lights and riggings adorn the ceilings; the walls are painted with the backdrops of plays and are lined with caricatures of famous Hungarian actors.

Hmmm, a pretty full schedule ahead.  Maybe I'll meet a man while I'm there to make it a memorable trip. teehee..no, not people from the tour group..if anderson tours is anything like Contiki, I definitely think not. :D

My friend has offered to set me up with another friend of hers from business school for a blind date three days from now.  I feel excited and self-conscious but determined to push through with it though it scares me shitless to be with a person you don't know anything about.  Isn't that what it's all about though, meeting and getting to know new people?  I normally think that people who goes on blind dates are on the desperate end of the rope but then maybe that was youth speaking.

what are blind dates anyway?  Let's try to take it word by word.

Blind.  An adjective to describe a person's (or animal's) condition of being unable to see.  For the life of me, I cannot understand how being blind is going to help me find my future mate!  Does this mean I have to 'turn a blind eye' to any imperfection I find out about him?  If it was meant to describe spending time with a person I have never met before, how does it translate to being blind?  Hmmm, perhaps I should come blindfolded on Saturday so it would make more sense.  lolz.

Date.  A day on the calendar, a social meeting with a potential lover...looks to me like its both really.  A specified day in the calendar where I dress up, splash on some expensive perfume, cleverly apply makeup...all to make me pretty because I'm meeting a potential lover. 

When taken together, it would read as being unable to see on a specified day that you are meeting a potential lover...OMG, maybe this is why people end up having bad relationships half of the time!!!

Well, I do not presume to meet a potential lover..just a friend would be really nice.  Oh hell, who am I kidding??!

I used to to love the idea of travelling...seeing new places..meeting new people.  I actually still do...but I have come to realise that it's only pleasurable when you're not doing it for work.  Travelling used to mean jeepneys, buses, and planes within the islands of the Philippines...now, its mainly trains, taxis, and walking..yep, walking. :) 

Now, I seem to have travelled a lot lately because of my work.  It has taken me to several places and most of the time, I got there by train...stuck in the train for hours and hours, the longest being 7 hours in one go.  (My manager for that client was a pain!  He just brushed off my suggestion to get someone who lived closer to do the work).

I don't mind it really, just as long as there are no delays...urgh, speaking of which, the train I am now in going to Leeds from London has stopped...all because of a freight train driver who didnt know how to drive a train and got it derailed.  sheesh!

So now they're trying to organise some coaches from where I am now (Doncaster) to Leeds..and that will take me some hours to get there still.  Sigh, my 3 and a half hour travel can easily become 5 hours.  oh well, all i can do now is laugh! lol...what's a girl to do right?

alright, gotta pack up my stuff so i could go down the blasted train!

like what the title says..im not much of a blogger..but today..i've got something to say...and it's not something wise or anything...i'm just really happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol, i found out yesterday that I got casted for a play that I auditioned for two Sundays ago...it's with a local theatre group and the play is entitled Bugsy Malone.  It was originally written for kids as a spoof of the gangster life.  I didn't get any lead part but I wasn't expecting too since this was my first-ever audition!

The play will go on from October 29 - November 1 with a potential Saturday matinee performance.  I can't wait for the start of rehearsals (August 6) and I hope I play a showgirl. lol..that will be a trip!

after this, maybe i'll try for a bigger theatre group..maybe the one in wimbledon!  oohhh, gives me the shivers..coz this one has got its own theatre whereas the one in Balham (where I live) uses a makeshift theatre from the school grounds.  But this group has been around for years so that's something too, in its own right.

well, here's to the courage to finally try out for something I have dreamed of for a long time...and to getting it on the first try. :D  I hope this paves the way for my budding musical career. lolz.

here's the poster for the show!

time has passed indeed...it has been 7 months since i have been in the UK...got to several places already like kent, southampton, bristol, bath, etc.  ive been to some museums and some historical sites.  its been fun....but its also been lonely.  there is nothing i long more than to go home and spend my time with my loved ones.

well, enough sad sentiments!

i'll be travelling again...and this time it's going to be scotland! oh yes, edinburgh..ive heard so many good things about this place.  we will be driving to get there, saya di ba? its an hour's flight from london so you could imagine how long a drive it'll be.  pero at least it'll give us a chance to enjoy the countryside and for some side trips daw.  may festival pa dun next weekend when we get there.  alis ng saturday madaling araw..buti na lang holiday sa monday.  sana lang makabalik kame by that time dahil may trabaho pa sa tuesday.  ewan, basta jumoiner na lang ako when i heard may tropang pupunta eh..hakhakhak.  so gastos na naman ini...hay, thank God for credit cards...hahaha. it'll be my bane yet.

i'll make sure to post my best pix when i come back.

ps..just watched bourne ultimatum tonight...fast-paced and action-packed..just how i like my action flicks.  :)  i think my 7.80 pounds was worth it.

Got word from GT...FINALLY!!!

1.  My work permit will be completed by the end of November.  They have been given assurance by somebody presumably working on it.

2.  The problem is...it takes two weeks for them to send documents over!  By that time, my seat reservation with Cathay Pacific would be lost to me coz I've to finalize it by December 15.

3.  So now you ask why...what's the ticket got to do with the work permit, right?  Well, you see, I told the reservation personnel that I will be flying to London as one of the new heroes of our country...a self-sacrificing OFW..yes yes yes..I am really doing this for our country....RIGHTO!!! hakhakhak...as if!  anyway, of course they would require proof that I am an OFW by getting a copy of the OEC, an exit clearance issued by POEA.

4.  So here I am, I got oc-oc so I researched how long it took to get an OEC...by the good grace of God, it took approximately 3-5 days if GT would address all requirements of POEA. 

5.  Anyway, I asked GT right away if they could send it to me ASAP when they get my work permit (I didn't say it that way siempre...hehe..di pde, baka mahalatang kapal muks ako..hakhakhak) and they assured me there won't be any problems...so ayun, hopefully I'll get it on the first week of December.

YYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*kitty yelling while dancing the dance of joy*

HOKAY.....I'm okay now..I'm just really happy.  =)  I've already prepared all the requirements for my VISA so I don't expect to have any more delays...I just pray that I already get a confirmation sa flight namin ni Jei (my buddy who'll be flying with me to UK) to HK (connecting flight).  So, all I have to do is buy some winter clothes...ukay ukay, here I come!  hmmm, maybe I'll go to Baguio for some really good warm clothes.  *wink wink*

Yesterday, amidst work deadlines and research I had yet to do to plan my approach in reviewing a relatively new area (auditing web-based applications) for me, my former staff (I used to be the Acting IT Audit Head) opened up to me and shared the problem that she's going through right now...she is having difficulties focusing on her work coz her mind is taken up with this "concern" (as we call it in IBank).  She just wants to take a break (2 months) from work while she think things over but unfortunately, she doesn't have the resources to take a long unpaid leave, and especially because she is the breadwinner of her family.  Her problem?...she wants to believe that there is a God...but she's finding it hard to convince herself because of His "invisibility" to us...because she has not experienced or seen any miracle that would prove He exists...because in all the times that she prayed, she never felt she was speaking to anybody but the walls...in other words, her faith is weak, if not non-existent.  Don't get me wrong, she really wants to believe and she even went to various lengths to find resources or articles that would persuade her.  She even told me that she was so envious of other people in her Church (she's a Christian) coz faith is so easy for them.  Maybe that's why she's so fixated...coz she feels guilty that she doesn't have it while continuing to be with people who is so expressive of theirs.

I had no answers, really....I tried, mind you...I told her that I was like her in terms of being a logical thinker...I believe in science and what phenomenas it has been able to conclusively explain...but still, there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world...like a person who got cured of cancer though doctors have given him/her a "deadline" or "expiration date", so to speak...the beginning of the universe..."pasma"...and etc. that the only thing I can think of is that someone or some higher being or power is behind it all...I am now only becoming to get reacquainted with Him and all His words but during all the years that I was not an active Catholic, my faith in Him was never in question...for me, I only had qualms about Catholic practices. 

We talked about a bunch of other things but to sum it up, no amount of my talking to her will make her believe...because I think what she wants is the experience of an actual jaw-dropping you'll-never-believe-this-happened type miracle that only gets depicted in movies.  She has never met anyone that got cured that was not because of science...she has never talked to anyone who has actually seen a ghost and can prove it (she thinks that if a ghost--something that is also not seen by all--exists, then God may exist as well), she doesn't know anyone who has talked to God in a conversation where  you actually hear the replies of the other person...pde na rin siguro kahit text reply (hahaha!)...all the emails telling us of people getting miracles, she doesn't believe them coz she does't know those people personally and she thinks those stories are made up just for the dramatic effect...and all the blessings she has, well, she thinks she made it all happen herself thru her hardwork...If she had a motto, it's probably "to say is to believe"!

I never really thought of this before coz for me, it was just as natural as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, as girls having vaginas and guys having dicks, as waking up late during the weekends, as my love and passion for music, I cannot explain it, I just believed.  It's really just a matter of faith...believing in something that you cannot see or feel...believing in a concept...and if God was really just a product of man's imagination, I couldn't care less.  Because I need to believe in something so far-out when things are just too ridiculous for me to accept in logical terms so I wouldn't go crazy and kill people in a frenzy.  *giving people the evil eye*  *teehee!* 

I think God is the greatest concept ever conceived.