Yesterday, amidst work deadlines and research I had yet to do to plan my approach in reviewing a relatively new area (auditing web-based applications) for me, my former staff (I used to be the Acting IT Audit Head) opened up to me and shared the problem that she's going through right now...she is having difficulties focusing on her work coz her mind is taken up with this "concern" (as we call it in IBank).  She just wants to take a break (2 months) from work while she think things over but unfortunately, she doesn't have the resources to take a long unpaid leave, and especially because she is the breadwinner of her family.  Her problem?...she wants to believe that there is a God...but she's finding it hard to convince herself because of His "invisibility" to us...because she has not experienced or seen any miracle that would prove He exists...because in all the times that she prayed, she never felt she was speaking to anybody but the walls...in other words, her faith is weak, if not non-existent.  Don't get me wrong, she really wants to believe and she even went to various lengths to find resources or articles that would persuade her.  She even told me that she was so envious of other people in her Church (she's a Christian) coz faith is so easy for them.  Maybe that's why she's so fixated...coz she feels guilty that she doesn't have it while continuing to be with people who is so expressive of theirs.

I had no answers, really....I tried, mind you...I told her that I was like her in terms of being a logical thinker...I believe in science and what phenomenas it has been able to conclusively explain...but still, there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world...like a person who got cured of cancer though doctors have given him/her a "deadline" or "expiration date", so to speak...the beginning of the universe..."pasma"...and etc. that the only thing I can think of is that someone or some higher being or power is behind it all...I am now only becoming to get reacquainted with Him and all His words but during all the years that I was not an active Catholic, my faith in Him was never in question...for me, I only had qualms about Catholic practices. 

We talked about a bunch of other things but to sum it up, no amount of my talking to her will make her believe...because I think what she wants is the experience of an actual jaw-dropping you'll-never-believe-this-happened type miracle that only gets depicted in movies.  She has never met anyone that got cured that was not because of science...she has never talked to anyone who has actually seen a ghost and can prove it (she thinks that if a ghost--something that is also not seen by all--exists, then God may exist as well), she doesn't know anyone who has talked to God in a conversation where  you actually hear the replies of the other person...pde na rin siguro kahit text reply (hahaha!)...all the emails telling us of people getting miracles, she doesn't believe them coz she does't know those people personally and she thinks those stories are made up just for the dramatic effect...and all the blessings she has, well, she thinks she made it all happen herself thru her hardwork...If she had a motto, it's probably "to say is to believe"!

I never really thought of this before coz for me, it was just as natural as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, as girls having vaginas and guys having dicks, as waking up late during the weekends, as my love and passion for music, I cannot explain it, I just believed.  It's really just a matter of faith...believing in something that you cannot see or feel...believing in a concept...and if God was really just a product of man's imagination, I couldn't care less.  Because I need to believe in something so far-out when things are just too ridiculous for me to accept in logical terms so I wouldn't go crazy and kill people in a frenzy.  *giving people the evil eye*  *teehee!* 

I think God is the greatest concept ever conceived.